Engineering Jokes

[Stuart]

Understanding Engineers One:

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you, anyway."

Understanding Engineers Two.

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers Three.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
> The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
> The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
> He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
> The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
> The group fell silent for a moment.
> The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
> The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
> The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
>
> Understanding Engineers Four.
>
> What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
> Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
>
> Understanding Engineers Five.
>
> The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
> The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
> The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
> The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
>
> Understanding Engineers Six.
>
> Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
> One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
> Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
>
Understanding Engineers Seven.

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

> Understanding Engineers Eight.
>
> An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
> The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
> Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
> Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
> The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

[Stuart]

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish..' The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.' God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.' The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I Wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy. God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

[henneberg]

Here is starting point of DIY decision when you need to choose an off the shelf resolution:

[old clunker]

I was reminded of a true incident that I was told had passed into engineering training company joke history many years ago, and might have even been repeated at other engineering companies.
After a precision engineering measurement lesson using micrometers and vernier callipers, an instructor asked an apprentice who obviously wasn't giving it his complete attention, "How many 'thous' are there in an inch?" (for our metric readers out there, 'thous' are thousandths of an inch). The apprentice looked blankly and said, "Blimey, there must be millions of them!" Obviously a lesson well learnt?!

One practical joke I can remember, when I was a spotty faced youth, was being asked to get some rubber nails from the engineering stores. These actually exist, and are used for packing aircraft cable clamps. The now suspicious apprentice thought that he was having his 'leg pulled', and someone was having a joke at his expense, only to be marched to the stores and proved that they actually exist. Then the nasty twist, was that he was then told to get a rubber hammer from the stores, which he now did thinking it was for real, and demonstrate in front of everybody how to use the rubber hammer with the rubber nails!
After this, the really 'thick' apprentices were sometimes picked up by two burly fitters, one arm held by each, and then roughly placed in one of the hangar's large rubbish bins, as part of the section's initiation rituals!
Luckily for me, I was aware of the rubber nails beforehand, and what they were used for! I got caught out by the large dead cockroach trick, but that's another story!...

[Stuart]

I saw an Apprentice sent to get a 'Long stand', from stores once. He was gone a long time

[coachgeo]

I saw an Apprentice sent to get a 'Long stand', from stores once. He was gone a long time

Luckily with the internet I found good descriptive info of a "long weight". Also helped me to to determine how much a..... "long stand" is too. "This" is where I found it. Read the scrolling details to the right of the image for full understanding.




More details below

http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/in ... 424AA6QbtU

[Stuart]

Ouch!!

[Stuart]

Got sent this on the email & thought this an appropriate place to put it. Enjoy

Laws of nature

Forget Newton and Galileo. Here are the real laws of nature:

1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability-The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5.Supermarket Law- As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

7.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters- The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result- When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.. Law of the Theatre & Sports Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces- The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument- Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy -As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law- If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick. This has been proven over and over with taking children to the paediatrician.

[Stuart]

A Honda mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Honda when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage,

"Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the Honda.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,

"So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out,repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.

So how is it that I make $24,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the
mechanic....

"Try doing it with the engine running."